Sick and Twisted Naruto Omakes: The Series
by Shade
Summary: Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha switch bodies. Hilarity Ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Evil Sick and Twisted Omake#1  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story  
"An Ominous Feeling of Pants" by Genericrandom.

Concept: Naruto and Sasuke switch bodies. What could possibly go wrong?

**_Evil Maniacal Laughter_**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"So _**you're**_ actually Naruto. And **_he's_** really Sasuke."

Naruto _'Uchiha'_ nodded nervously. Something about the lack of anger and imminent violence  
in Sakura's voice was making him very, very nervous. She had never hit him even once since his _'switch'_  
and to be quite honest he'd come to enjoy her attentions even if it had been for a face that wasn't his own.

Okay, and seeing Sasuke discover _'Inner'_ Sakura's beserker punch had been hilarious too.  
It had done him a world of good and he'd finally started to take her seriously as a shinobi  
after witnessing her strength first hand (or fist first as it were).

But now she'd brought the two of them here into this deserted storage shed and dropped the bombshell on them.

She finally knew and devil was going to have his due.

"Um, we can explain-"

"And here all this time I thought I was going crazy because I thought  
I was developing feelings for Naruto in spite of how I felt about Sasuke."

"-Huh?!" Both boys stared dumbly at her cheerful face.

Unfortunately this meant that they failed to keep track of where her hands were.

When dealing with a medical nin in training that is a very stupid thing to do.

_**Jab Jab**_

Naruto and Sasuke had just long enough to realize that there were empty syringes  
stuck in their respective arms before the contents that had been injected into them kicked in.

"Just relax boys, Anko-sama assured me there won't be any permanent effects from the compounds."

As he stumbled to his knees, Sasuke _'Uzumaki'_ had only one terrified thought in his suddenly cloudy head. Anko-**_SAMA?!_**

There was a faint rustle of cloth as a kunoichi robe fell to the floor.

"Don't you see, now I have two Sasukes. One in body and the other in the body."

Naruto reflected that seeing Sakura naked and smiling in front of him had been one  
of his fondest wishes in recent years. But this hadn't been what he'd had in mind.  
He had always pictured it as just him and her. Not him, her and his body with Sasuke still in it.

"But Sakura, you, _I, he,** we can't!**_"

Her next words would go down in both boy's memories  
as the most frightening thing they would ever hear...until tomorrow.

"Don't worry. It's not gay as long as your balls don't touch."


	2. Chapter 2

**Evil Horribly Wrong Omake #2  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**_Things can only get better from here, right?_**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Uuh, quit shoving Sasuke!"

"That's because you keep slipping, Dobe."

"That's because you don't know my body's own strength, Teme!"

"Keep it down! You'll wake her up again!"

Both boys groaned heavily as the verbal exertions took their toll  
and slumped more heavily against each other.

"Okay, one more time."

"Right."

"Left foot."

"Left foot"

The two ninjas stepped forward together, supporting each other's drained  
bodies at the respective shoulder as they creeped away from the lone building  
that harbored their still slumbering teammate. Emphasis most recently on  
the _**'Mating'**_ part.

"Oh man though, that was...that was...something else."

Sasuke _'Uzumaki'_ shot his dreamy eyed companion the most evil glare he could muster,  
the effect of which was almost entirely ruined by the state of his own rumpled  
and torn orange jumpsuit.

"Get that stupid shit-eating grin off of my face right now! Do you have any idea just how creepy that looks?"

"But it was Sakura! I mean, I know that you were there and everything which was really weird  
and creepy just like that time we snuck out to that bar in Snow Country to celeb-_oops._"

Sasuke stiffened and reflexively looked around nervously before turning back to stare flatly  
at the now nervous looking Naruto. It was still a little unreal to him even after all this  
time to see his familar face with Naruto's emotions so openly on display.

"We swore to never mention that night **_EVER_** again."

Naruto's features bristled into more familar Uchiha style outrage.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that in Snow country that the only guys who wear bright gay colors  
are the ones who bat on their own team?"

"Your first clue should have been the _**'gay'**_ part."

"Hey! At least you got out of there with my, I mean _your_ ass intact."

"Thanks Naruto, I was only **_trying_** to forget about all of those groped Shadow Clones until the end of time."

"Well I was the one who got kissed by that guy!"

"That was a crossdressing lesbian."

"But I didn't know that until afterwards. So it's the thought that counts!"

Any further words on the subject were interrupted by the soft whisper of approaching footsteps.

Shinobi style footsteps.

Both boys' eyes widened before they started to redouble their efforts to limp away.

Only to find the person they'd heard behind them was already in front of them.

"Na-Na-Naruto."

"Hi-Hinata! Fancy meeting you here!"

Naruto scratched the back of his head as he laughed nervously.  
Then he froze in mid-motion as he realized he'd done it again.

"Smooth, Dobe. Real smooth."

The trembling white eyed girl seemed to be on the edge of tears as she looked at the face  
of her beloved knuckleheaded ninja scowling at said knucklehead trapped in the body  
of the pervert Sasuke. After all, who else but a complete pervert would choose to study  
under the old toad letch who was always trying to peep on the girl's side of the hotspring baths?

And now this. The two of them smelled strongly of sweat and a deep musky scent that she recognized  
from her treasured collection of used Naruto boxers. Her worst fears confirmed.

"Forgive me Na-Naruto."

"Eh?"

"**Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms!**"

And then everything went dark for awhile.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

When the duo awoke they found themselves tied down face up what appeared to be shin high drying racks.  
By craning their heads around they were able to see that they'd been set side by side and that they  
were naked...again.

"Well this is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Naruto."

"Oh shut up and figure out how we get out of this, 'Genius'."

"I-I'm afraid you can't leave just yet."

There were times when Naruto hated having the Sharingan. The focus on minute details down to the smallest  
motion or wrinkle had given him nightmares for weeks on end after he'd made the mistake of using it near  
an old folk's home and accidently caught sight of two of the inhabitants _'getting busy'_ in broad daylight.

This was not one of those times.

He'd always thought of Hinata as one of those people who just blended into the scenery. After all, aside  
from her eyes, nothing about her really stood out at all.But he'd never seen her in quite this light before.

Smooth shiny black strips of tight leather encased her entire body, save for strategically open spots that  
revealed the 'little' Hyuga was not so _**'little'**_ on the top. Even as he watched he saw her soft pink nipples  
darken and swell in front of his eyes. It was one of the most wonderfully educational things he'd ever  
seen and thanks to Sakura he now had a baseline to compare against.

When he looked down and noticed her mons was shaved as smooth as a baby's bottom, Naruto nearly lost it then  
and there. There had to be some kind of Kind God up there looking out for him to make up for all the crap he'd  
gone through during the first part of his life.

At least that was his thought until he noticed what was in her hands.

A whip. A very painful looking whip that the blushing girl appeared  
to hold with a rather disturbing degree of familiarity.

"I-I'll clean you of all those evil thoughts about Sasuke with my af-aff-affection and holy water."

Her attempt to glare at _'Uzumaki's'_ body stumbled when she caught sight of him standing at attention.  
She knew that it was really that pervert Sasuke in there, but seeing her Naruto in the flesh as it were was  
making it difficult to concentrate on what she knew had to be done.

She railed at herself in her mind. It was Naruto's pure and kind soul she was in love with, not that  
sexy hard body of his which was now at her complete mercy. That she could touch and feel and do whatever  
she had always dreamed about...no, no she had to remember that her love was pure and Sexy, very very sexy  
and she was such a Naughty Hinata-

Sasuke cringed inside as he finally saw the wild look in their captor's eyes.  
The whip in her hands cracked as it flicked out and danced just over his sweating chest.

Then she uttered the words that would mark the start of yet another long night.

"Oh, I can't decide. I must have them **both!!**"


	3. Chapter 3

**Horribly Sick and Twisted Omake #3  
Or _Thanks to Freud for Making My Life a Living Hell_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**The Grass is Always Greener.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Naruto Uzumaki _'Uchiha'_ had come to a momentous decision.

He was going to kill Sasuke.

He was going to kill him dead and then burn the remains with fire just to be sure.

Why had he ever listened to that bastard?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_ "Her eyes are red, Naruto! She's bound to have a higher chance of breeding the Sharingan!"_

"What?! Are you out of your mind?! She's almost twice as old as I am!"

"Which is why it'll look believable."

Naruto nodded, that made sense. Wait a minute...

"Say what?!"

Naruto found it incredibly disturbing to see his original body nervously twiddling its thumbs like  
he used to do. Sure, to anyone else it would have looked like normal Fox-brat behavior, but they  
didn't know who was really in that body now. He cocked his head slightly as he noticed that  
the blonde refused to meet his own Sharingan eyes directly.

And then it hit him like a bolt of lightning.

"Oh my god...you're one of **those** guys, aren't you!"

Any other time he might have enjoyed seeing the rare and memorable sight of the stuck up bastard  
look incredibly redfaced and guilty, but right now the dark haired ninja was too shocked by his  
realization as he pointed at his companion.

"You're a **MILF** chaser!"

"Just because she reminds me a little of my mother doesn't mean I-"

Sasuke clapped his hands over his mouth and mentally kicked himself in the head.  
The idiot's verbal stupidity was apparently contagious.

"A-ha! I knew it! You sick pervert!!"

"Look, if we're going to keep everyone convinced that you're me and that I've not gone gay  
is to have you show some interest in the women that I find attractive."

"But she's a Jonin!"

"That's never stopped me before."

Naruto opened his mouth to ask and then closed it again, wisely deciding he didn't really want any more details.

"Look, all you have to do is ask her out to dinner. She'll probably  
turn you down anyway. What's the worst that could happen?"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"_'What's the worse that could happen,'_ he says...Stupid Sasuke."

Once again he tested the chains that firmly held him spead-eagled on the bed.  
And for the twenty seventh time his efforts proved futile. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Are you ready," breathed his captor as she stood before him in all of her natural glory.

_'Uchiha's'_ throat tightened into an involuntary whimper as his gaze was completely transfixed  
by the tiny round ruby that sparkled hypnotically from the ring on Kurunai's left breast.  
If he focused on that, then he could almost forget about all the sharp pointy weapons mounted  
on every wall in the bedroom as well as on the ceiling. Kunais, swords, spears, shuriken and  
some incredibly bizzare weapons that seemed to be nothing more then an experiment on how much  
surface area could be designed for stabbing purposes. What the hell was wrong with this lady?!

The female jonin giggled lightly, though she'd had nowhere near enough sake to get her drunk,  
it had been enough to put her in the mood. And while she'd been flattered to be asked out by  
a younger guy, the real clincher that had sealed the deal was that she'd learned via the female  
gossip channels that Uchiha shared her _'interests'_.

Not even Asuma knew about this side of her. He could never understand the needs she had.

But Sasuke could. Oh yes, he was the only one who could possibly relate to her.

Drawing out a particularly lovely kunai, the red-eyed kunoichi bent down so that she could capture  
those beautiful Sharingan eyes in her gaze. She smiled seductively then licked his trembling lips  
teasingly before giving a quick nip to the bottom one that drew a drop of blood.

"Just remember, there can't be any pleasure without pain."


	4. Chapter 4

**Horribly Sick and Twisted Omake #4  
Or_ One Thousand Ways to Safely Screw Yourself Over_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**Sauce for the Goose.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Sasuke Uchiha _'Uzumaki'_ had a profound realization.

_'I am so going to fucking kill Naruto.'_

The only problem was deciding how to do it in such a way as to cause the most pain and suffering  
over the longest period possible. That meant the Rasengan and Gama Bunta were out. Why hadn't  
the old letch taught him any techniques that didn't result in almost instant death for an opponent?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-__

"Okay fine, but if I'm taking out Kuranai, then you gotta do something for me too."

"I'm listening."

"Well there's this person you see, she's always acting tough and stuff but I can see she's always  
alone like I used to be and I was thinking that, you know, you could spend some time with her.  
Make her laugh a little or something like that."

"Okay fine, who this girl anyway?"

"Well she's not exactly a girl. More like a woman..."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Oooh lover, looks like you're ready for another round."

The sharp nail that trailed along his naked chest belonged to one of the few people in the Leaf Village  
that frankly scared the bejeezus out him. Anko Mitarashi, her only garment that metal mesh body glove  
she loved to wear.

How long had he been trapped in this room with her? A day? Two? A week?  
He honestly wasn't sure anymore. All he could remember was endless rounds  
of sex interspaced by brief intervals of recovery that usually consisted of  
him passing out shortly after Anko had dismounted from him for a quick dango  
snack. The woman's stamina was inhuman. Contrary to what her appearance would  
suggest, she wasn't the sexual deviant that so many people in the village had  
speculated on. Her tastes were fairly simple, but she insisted on indulging them  
over and over and over and over...

If he didn't figure out a way to escape soon she was going kill him through sheer exhaustion,  
energy boosts from the Fox be damned!

_Creak_

A ray of hope emerged as the door to the darkened room swung open, letting in blessed light from outside.

"Oh _'Naruto'_, there you are. I've been looking all over for you."

Hope died, rolled over into its grave and pulled the lid of the coffin in over itself.

"Oh Sakura, did you get it?"

The sight of all too familar syringes in those hands sent chills down Sasuke's spine.

He had to get out of here right now!

Seeing that Anko was still distracted by the sight of Sakura starting to strip down,  
the bound ninja made his move.

First, an escape jutsu to get out of the ropes holding him in place.

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

And then, the sound of one thousand shadow clones poofing into existance.

"Run for it," yelled all the clones at once as they dashed about in every direction  
to escape, relying on their sheer numbers to thwart any attempt to stop them.

"Oh no you don't!"

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!/Shadow Clone Jutsu!!"

Five hundred naked Anko clones and five hundred half-naked Sakura clones began taking down  
their prey left and right. Cries for mercy were ignored as the hungry women reaped their rewards.  
And because no physical damage was involved, none of the _'Uzumaki'_ clones were going anywhere  
until their own chakra ran out.

The original blonde had almost made it out the door when two hands grabbed him from behind.

**"Nooo!!"**

They yanked him backwards inch by inch, despite his best efforts to cling to the sides of the doorway with  
a desperate chakra enhanced grip. A final hard pull ripped him, part of the wall still clinging to his fingers,  
back into the darkness.

"Now now, _'Naruto'_. You know that every sandwich needs a filling." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Evil Beyond the Bounds Of All Sanity Omake  
Or _Weapons of Mass Derangement_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**It's over 9000!**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Sasuke _'Uzumaki'_ swore softly as he assessed his current situation. Things looked grim.

That cat woman, Yugito, was down and out. Naruto and Sakura were probably still making their  
way over to his signal, but weren't going to make it in time. And the rest of their reinforcements  
were still scattered across the area, trying to find the Akatsuki members in the area. All four  
of which were facing off against just him here now. And worst of all, that asshole of humanity  
that he'd sworn to kill, his older brother Itachi, was among them.

Not that the other three were any pushovers either. Kisame, Kakuzu and Hidan had him boxed in,  
but were deferring to Itachi who had wanted to do this one _'personally'_.

Not even a Rasengan had managed to hurt the bastard, damn him to hell. The Fox's help had managed  
to fight off Tsukuyomi, but even with its help he still wasn't strong enough to kill his brother.

It looked like he had no choice left. He would have to use..._**that**_ jutsu.

Inside his head, Sasuke could feel the Fox start to whimper before burrowing itself  
into the deepest darkest part of its containment cell. He really couldn't blame it though,  
he didn't want to use this either. At least Naruto wasn't here to see it, the idiot would  
probably have screamed bloody murder to see one of his personal jutsu used in such a fashion.

He almost felt sorry for what Itachi and the others were about to experience.

Almost, but not quite.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Itachi Uchiha regarded his _'brother'_ with scorn. After the first battle it had been fairly  
simple to realize what had happened. The pitiful weakling had forfeited the bloodline that  
was his heritage in exchange for the power of the Demon Fox. And now that stupidity would  
cost him his worthless life.

He could see the blonde brat was already on his last legs, one more blow should do it.

Wait, what was he doing?

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Fool, did he really think that pitiful technique was going to-

_**"Uzumaki Ultimate Forbidden Technique: Sexy Hentai Kamen Guy & Lee Harem Jutsu!!"**_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The scene that followed can't be described in specific detail without violating the Geneva Conventions.

Suffice to say that it involved shiny glittering teeth, alien eyebrows, cross dressing cosplay, thongs,  
no pants and lots of hugging and pelvic thrusting action.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Fifteen minutes later Sasuke came out of the Playing Possum Jutsu as Yugito shook him awake.

He got up and looked around.

He'd done it. It was finally over.

From the look of it, Itachi had attempted to claw his eyes out with the Amaterasu.  
It seemed to have worked since there wasn't much left of his head.

Kisame and Kazuku were both very dead. They looked like half-melted flesh colored candle wax,  
as if they'd seen something no human eye was ever meant to experience.

And Hidan? The lights had been left on, but the house was long empty.

Yes, Sasuke decided, life was good.

Of course that only lasted until he discovered Yugito was going into heat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Omake of the Weird  
Or_ 4chan Party Van_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**Anonymous does not forgive.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Naruto _'Uchiha'_ knocked tentatively on the front door of _'Naruto's'_ apartment. While it had been  
a mutual decision to simply move their own stuff into each other's living quarters, he still had  
the original pair of keys for his old place. But in respect for _'Naruto's'_ privacy he'd not used  
them yet. However after two weeks of his teammate not showing up anywhere, Naruto was starting  
to get worried. Sure he'd been able to get lots of uninterrupted _'practice'_ in with Sakura without  
having to _'share'_ with the bastard, but this was a little extreme even for 'Mr. Moody'.

Still getting no response, the dark haired ninja decided that privacy be damned, he was going to  
find out what the hell was wrong with his friend. He unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment.

And blinked. Then blinked again.

The wall poster of Kuranai in a traditional kimono was unsettling (though understandable given what  
he already knew of the perv's taste in women). The autographed poster of Yukie in her Princess Fuun  
costume was a little strange, but still made sense because of the mission they'd done for her.

But the one of Tsunade in a tiger stripe bikini was just so wrong in ways even Naruto found hard to  
explain to himself.

Closing the door behind him, he made his way to the bedroom.

But before stepping into the doorway to the bedroom, Naruto stopped and cautiously bent down and pulled  
out a shiny kunai. Carefully he tipped it the side so he could see around the corner through the reflection  
on the mirror bright blade.

There was his target, burrowed under the covers.

Replacing the kunai back in his carry pouch, the youth decided it was time for Mr. Dummy.

He pulled out a painted board sign that resembled Sasuke's face and upper torso, though with large  
geeky glasses and a mustache painted on its features.

Sticking out the sign so that its silhouette could now be clearly seen from inside the bedroom,  
_'Uchiha'_ called out in his most cheerful voice from behind the safety of the wall.

"Rise and Shine, sleepyhead!"

**Thunk Thunk Thunk**

Pulling back Mr. Dummy, Naruto noted that there was now a kunai still quivering from impact in both  
painted eyes as well as dead center in the wide open smiling mouth.

Pulling them out, he let the metal weapons clatter to the floor.

"Come on Sasuke, you can't stay in there forever."

There was a long moment of silence from the bed.

"Go away..."

"What the hell's wrong with you? I thought you'd be happy as a clam now that you finally killed your brother."

More barely audible groans from under the covers.

Puzzled by this unusual behavior, Naruto fished around in his head for a different angle to try from.

Holding Mr. Dummy back out again, he said in a sickly sweet tone, "By the way, you got another letter  
from Yugito addressed to her _'Naruto-sama'_. Guess you really made an impression on her...or **_in_** her, should we say?"

This time there were no kunai, only a noticable increase in the pitiful groaning coming from the bedroom.

_'Ah ha, so that's what's the matter!'_

Deciding to take a risk, _'Uchiha'_ quickly stepped into the room and grabbed the covers on the bed to yank them  
up and off. _'Uzumaki'_ continued to bury his head under his hands like an orange ostrich.

"Man, you look pathetic."

"Shut up, dobe."

Naruto found himself getting amused rather then angry over the old insult, coming out as it did in that small  
pitiful voice. Was this really Sasuke, the asshole whose ego was almost as big as Naruto's own? Seeing what  
was possibly a once in a lifetime chance to really stick it to him, the young shinobi decided to go for broke.

"I really should thank you by the way. When me and Sakura found you guys she got really hot watching the two  
of you doing that crazy weird monster sex."

More wretched groans. Naruto's smile widened.

"That was freaky as hell you know. You with all those tails and stuff springing out and that demon beast girl  
going all over the place like it was a giant earthquake going on. And Sakura...oh man, Sakura..."

His teammate had really gotten into it, she'd done things to him there that made Naruto give thanks each day  
that he'd been born into this world. Speaking of which, maybe he could convince her into a repeat performance  
if they managed to take a peek on Shikamaru and Shizune.

Yeah, that definitely sounded better then the apparently hopeless task of getting Sasuke out of his bed.

As he started walking back out of the bedroom, Naruto couldn't resist a last parting shot.

"Oh well, I guess I can't talk you out of there. But you really need to look on the bright side..."

He looked back.

"...After all, a cat is fine too."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The early morning was relatively quiet with only the sounds of birds singing to the morning sun.

_**"RASENGAN!!"**_

And then the building which held Naruto's apartment exploded.


	7. Chapter 7

**Oh Dear Lord What Have I Wrought Omake  
Or _Who's My Bitch Now?_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**It's always the quiet ones.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"*Mumble*" _(Sasuke you jerk. You didn't have to blow us both up!)_

"*Mumble**Mumble* _(Shut up Dobe. You had it coming.)_

"*Mumble*" _(And why am I stuck in the same ICU as you?)_

"*Mumble**Mumble*" _(How the hell should I know? Why don't you ask Sakura, you know that it's probably her doing.)_

"*Mumble**Mumble**Mumble*" _(Oh, right.)_

"*Mumble**Mumble*" _(I'm always right, Dumbass.)_

"*Mumble*" _(When we get out of here I am so going to kick your ass, Teme.)_

"Mumble**Mumble*" _(You and what army? I've got the Shadow Clones now, remember?)_

"*Mumble*" _(Fuck you, Dickwad.)_

"*Mumble**Mumble*" _(Bite me.)_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The nurse looked in on the two full bodycasted occupants of the IC ward. Who would have thought those  
two were such good friends? The Fox Container and the Uchiha genius, what had the world come to?

But she was forced to admit that Tsunade's apprentice had known what she was about when she'd requested  
that they be put in the same room in order to recover faster. A lesser shinobi would have died twice  
over from the injuries the pair of them had sustained, but the monitors showed that these two would be  
out in perhaps another few weeks at most.

She didn't envy whoever had to change the bedpans though. Fortunately Sakura had helped by offering  
to cover the late night shifts. But that still left an opening during the normally short handed afternoons.

Maybe one of the other trainees could be assigned that...

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"What are ***you*** doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you."

Two spectacular blondes warily faced off in front of the Nara house.

"Well if you must know, Gaara got word of the accident and decided to visit and see how Naruto  
and the Uchiha are doing. And since I was in the neighborhood..." Temari trailed off deliberately.

"His name is Sasuke."

Temari blinked in surprise at that unexpected response.

But before she could reply both kunoichi heard something from the house that got their undivided attention.

Someone squealing in pain.

The pair immediately broke off their confrontation and drew their weapons  
as they swiftly made their way into the house.

It was only a matter of seconds before they found the source of the noise.

The door was closed, but a regular thumping sound could be heard on the other side  
accompanied by the sound of someone breathing heavily and somebody else squealing  
like a stuck pig in sync to the thumping.

Temari looked at Ino and nodded once. Then she kicked the door open and the two  
of them rushed through, prepared for a fight with whoever was doing whatever  
they were doing to whoever was making those tortured noises.

"Hold it right there-**what the HELL?!**" Temari seemed to turn to stone as she finally saw the scene in front of her.

Ino's jaw dropped. She stared, stupified by a sight she could never have imagined in her worst nightmares.

It was a naked Shikamaru over an equally naked Shizune who was on all fours with her pale ass  
stuck up and out against the young man at her rear. But while outrageous, that alone wasn't enough  
to leave the two intruders on this scene so shocked.

"Oh Shikamaru, Pork me harder!"

It might have been the discovery that Shizune was the source of those squeals that they  
now realized were not of pain whatsoever. But more probable the cause for their stunned gaping was...

"Well this is incredibly awkward."

...The strapped on pink plastic ears over the Chunin's head and the equally cute piggy snout  
strapped over his nose. Both of which were clearly visible as he stared back at them with  
what seemed to be a certain degree of resignation.

"I guess now is a really bad time to let you two know we're a couple."

Five seconds later, the Nara home blew up.


	8. Chapter 8

**Oh Dear Lord What Have I Wrought Omake Part 2  
Or _Auughhh, My Eyes You Sick Bastard!!!_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**It is delicious cake and you must eat it.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"*Mumble*" _(Hey, what's going on? Sounds like somebody's coming.)_

"*Mumble**Mumble*" _(How should I know? It's not like I can get up and go look, Dobe.)_

"*Mumbler**Mumble**Mumble*" _(Prick.)_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Hello Sasuke."

A nervous Ino fiddled with the flowers that had been placed on the table by the Uchiha's bed.  
Pretty much all of which had been purchased at her family's shop by various individuals  
who had stopped by earlier to express their sympathies. What incredible bad luck for him  
to get caught in a freak exploding gas leak like that.

"Hey Naruto."

Temari finished hanging the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the outside of the ICU door before closing  
it shut and sliding the bolt lock into place. She would have to remember to thank whoever had  
installed that for the inside since it made things so much simpler now.

The two boys were in full bodycasts, from head to toe there were white wrapped bandages that  
covered everything save for their eyes and little spaces for them to breathe through the nose.  
Not the most attractive of sights to be sure, but for their purposes it would do just fine.

To both Naruto's and Sasuke's horror, the two girls proceeded to unwrap the area around their groins  
and sponge cleaned them before they emptied the bedpans into the nearby human waste disposal container.

"And that takes care of the volunteer work."

The two incapacitated ninjas started to relax. There was nothing to be afraid of,  
it was only standard medical care. They really needed to stop being so paranoid-

"Now for our reward."

"*Mumble*" "*Mumble**Mumble*" _**(Oh shit.)**_

'Sasuke's' eyes bulged as a blushing Ino slipped her simple white panties down her legs in full  
view of him. He mumbled something incoherent that she took to be complimentary as his still unwrapped  
package appeared to give full approval to her actions. A quick glance to side revealed that 'Naruto'  
seemed to be having a similar though much more panicked reaction to Temari's-how the hell had that woman  
gotten completely naked so fast?!

Not willing to be outdone by the Sand girl, Ino quickly shucked her top but decided to leave the skirt  
on, figuring that leaving a little bit hidden would be more of an enticement then full nudity. She blushed  
slightly as she moved to straddle her first crush.

"Don't worry Sasuke, I'll be gentle."

Temari wasn't taking her time. She had a goal and knew how to accomplish it. And after seeing the blonde  
boy and her brother Gaara duking it out no holds barred, she knew that 'Uzumaki' could take a lot of punishment.  
So there was no real need to hold back and deprive herself of what she wanted. She bent over and whispered into  
the approximate location where his ear should be under the bandages.

"Just like I promised at the end of the Chunin Exams, Naruto Uzumaki. I'm going to show you the time of your life."

Dump her like that would he? Well she'd show that rat bastard Shikamaru now!

None of them noticed the ball of swirling sand that slowly coalesced into the shape of a human eye overhead.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Hey Gaara, have you seen Temari anywhere?"

Kankuro skidded to a halt as he finally noticed what his younger brother was doing.  
It was the most horribly frightening thing he'd ever seen or heard. Even worse then  
seeing the Shukaku's transformation.

Gaara was laughing his ass off in an empty corridor.

**"Bwaahahahahahah!! Naruto Uzumaki, you've finally gotten what's coming to you!!"**

The facepainted ninja finally noticed what could just possibly be the sound  
of someone screaming faintly in the background. It almost sounded like....

**"Mwaahahahahahaha!! Who's the bitch now?"**

Kankuro made an abrupt about face and proceeded to walk away. He was going to pretend that  
the last five minutes of his life hadn't happened and go find some place to get a drink.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"So we meet for the first time and the last time."

"I'll never give Naruto to you. Never!"

"Sasuke and Naruto belong to their Dark Mistress now and forever!"

"We'll see about that, I *will* get Naruto his body back!"

"The only thing you're going to do is squeal like a bitch after my Uchiha tames that ass of yours!"

"My Raging Uzumaki will defeat you!!"

The screen door to Hinata Hyuuga's private quarters slid open.

"Lady Hinata? I heard a commotion. Are you alright?"

Neji Hyuga looked inside the room.

"...."

Then he closed the screen without a word, turned around and walked away.

The Byakugan user knew that he couldn't have possibly seen his meek cousin and Sakura Haruno  
facing each other as if preparing for mortal combat, both girls naked except for the prominent  
strap-on Dildo Panties that they each wore. And he especially hadn't seen that the similarly sized devices  
had the characters for 'Uchiha' and 'Uzumaki' written on the sides facing him. It had to be a very bad dream  
resulting from training too hard under Guy sensei.

There was obviously only one solution for this.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"And I'm telling you, they were facing each other naked! Like freaky lesbian dildo sex!!"

Kankuro nodded sympathetically as he listened to the drunken Hyuga next to him.

Then he gestured to the barkeep.

"I'll have what he's having."


	9. Chapter 9

**Omake goes Where?  
Or _The GaYz is catching!_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**The cake is a lie.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It was a good day to be an Uzumaki, Sasuke decided.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and he was up in a tree with Tenten demonstrating  
that his kunai was anything but dull. Maybe Naruto was on to something with this _'let's at least  
keep it in our age group'_ idea. After all, Tenten was attractive, flexible and just as much into  
shiny pointy weapons as he himself was.

"OooOoo! You were right, Naruto. Doing it on the side of the tree really does enhance the experience!"

Sasuke smirked at her flushed face, as time went on he was finding it increasingly easier to mimic  
Naruto's familiar expressions of triumph while at the same time it was becoming increasingly hard  
for him to retreat into the cold shell that had been his refuge for so many years.

Maybe it was the feeling of relief at no longer having to be seen and judged by other people  
who only saw _'Uchiha Clan'_ when they met him. Most of them only looked at him with digust and anger  
now for being the demon container, but that was still better then having that invisible pedestal  
placed under his ass all the time. All that mattered was that the people who knew _'him'_ saw him  
as a person, the rest of them could go suck eggs for all he cared.

How Naruto could stand all of that gushing adoration and flattery he got in the body of an Uchiha  
was beyond him. How could anyone enjoy that kind of treatment?

Oh well, to each his own.

"AaaaAaa!! Do that some more!!"

And of course there was also the constant sex. That probably explained a lot too.

"**YOSH!! The Power of You**-Tenten?! Wha-What are you two doing up there?!"

"Fuck," Sasuke swore violently. Though that was a pretty good description of the current situation as well.

"Oh no, what do we do," Tenten whispered back to him, a hint of panic in her voice at the thought  
of her teammate who couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it spilling the beans to the  
entire village about what the two of them were up to.

"Don't panic."

Sasuke's mind raced at lightning speed, though both he and Tenten were both mostly clothed, it wouldn't  
take anyone long to figure out exactly what the two of them were doing so close together up here,  
even with the leaves and branches between them and Lee. What he needed was some way to convince  
the Taijustu specialist to leave and give him a sufficient distraction. But how do you get someone  
to trust you over their lying eyes-That's it!

The spiky haired boy blinked as a lightbulb went off in his head. He had it! A prank worthy of Naruto  
himself, though he doubted the other boy was going to truly appreciate the masterfulness of it all.

"We're...training, Lee!"

He winked at Tenten to get her to play along. She nodded.

"That's right! We're practicing...advanced Taijustu!"

Sasuke bit back a groan as Tenten's suddenly suppressed laughter did interesting things to her muscle control.

"Oh? May I come up and join you?"

"**NO**," The interlocked duo yelled down to him.

"But I can tell you how to do it," Sasuke added quickly.

Tenten's shaking increased as she put one hand over her mouth in an effort to control herself.

"Really?! That'd be great!!"

"Just follow my instructions and I guarantee you'll learn it in no time. This ultimate Taijutsu  
technique is specifically designed to counter Visual Blood Line Abilities...."

"**YOSH!!** I'm all ears, Naruto-sensei!!"

As Sasuke described what Rock Lee had to do, Tenten found herself biting her lips. At first  
to suppress the gales of laughter from the mental images, then as Sasuke resumed his movements  
inside her during his conversation with the spandex youth, to keep herself from crying out as  
she discovered that the threat of being caught can spice things up like nothing else.

--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"I'm off! Thank you so much, Naruto!!"

Rock Lee rushed off excitedly, determined to put his newly learned Jutsu into use as soon as possible.

"Don't mention it, Lee. Good Luck against _'Sasuke'_ and Neji."

Tenten looked back at _'Naruto'_ with equal parts admiration and disbelief as she started  
to clean herself up from their tryst.

"You're evil, you know that?"

"Of course, I'm the best after all."

And to his own surprise, Sasuke found that he actually meant it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It was a good day to be an Uchiha, Naruto decided.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and he was fairly certain that he was making decent progress  
into talking Sakura and Ino, his body's most devoted fans, into a hot and wild threesome.

Girls were such strange creatures in his experience. They'd have their wicked ways with you and your teammate  
**AT THE SAME TIME** or take advantage of you being helpless and strapped down to a bed, but try and introduce  
another female into the equation and they turned into blushing stammering school girls with delicate virgin ears.

But that would make his eventual victory all the more sweeter. He'd show Sasuke just what the other boy  
had been missing out on when he'd kept ignoring and belittling his fanclub.

Really, how could that guy not love all the adoration and praise that his body got all the time from the village?  
How could anyone not enjoy that kind of attention when Naruto would have gladly killed for it back when he was  
all alone?

Oh well, to each his own. That just meant more hotties for him!

"So what do you say, girls? In or out?"

"Uh..umm..." Ino twiddled her fingers together, her cheeks as bright as the lanterns of a brothel.

"...well..."

Naruto had noticed that Sakura had started to display an unusual meekness lately, which was partly  
why he'd felt it was the right time to try and broach the subject. Ever since she'd been going on  
those weekly visits to the Hyuga Household, she'd been acting a lot more restrained towards him,  
almost to the point where Naruto had had to initiate their encounters lately. He was pretty certain  
that he liked the change.

The sound of rapidly running feet disrupted the brunette's musings.

"I've found you at last, Sasuke!"

"Oh, hey Lee."

Though he didn't show it on the outside, Naruto winced on the inside. There went his plans for  
a Girl-Girl sandwich with Uchiha filling. He was going to have to start all over again with  
them after finishing this challenge.

"Today I will finally defeat you, Sasuke Uchiha! And I will prove at last that hard work can beat  
the inherent advantage of being born into a Bloodline!!"

Naruto only paid half his attention to Lee's predictable speech. Ever since the Chunin Exams  
the other boy had been twice as determined to defeat the two people that Lee had seen as being  
the obstacles to his goal of recognition for the attribute of working hard to get ahead.

Naruto sighed as he activated the Sharingan, if he'd known this would happen he would never have  
accepted that first challenge by Rock Lee before the exams had actually started. The other ninja  
was friendly but had never really gotten over being beaten in that battle by a rookie using a bloodline.

Then he finally turned to look at the other Genin.

**"WHAT THE HELL?!!"**

Naruto seemed to turn to stone as his mind desperately fought to scub itself clean of the images  
being beamed into it with the Sharingan's precise attention to detail.

What was that giant bulge doing there in the front of Lee's pant?! It looked like he'd taken  
a potato and shoved it under his spandex between his legs!!

"An Opening!!"

Lee's image seemed to waver like a desert mirage and then vanished.

Naruto froze up in complete shock as he felt something hard and bulging poke against his behind.

**"SURPRIZE BUTTSECTS!!!"**

Naruto barely noticed Rock Lee grabbing him around the waist and then bending over into a reverse piledriver.

When the Darkness took him, he welcomed it. Anything to clear his head of what had just happened.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Yosh!! I did it!!"

Lee was ecstatic, he'd finally done it! He'd managed to finally beat Sasuke Uchiha!!

Naruto was right, this jutsu completely countered the Sharingan. And if it proved equally  
effective against the Byakugan...

"Neji Hyuga, today is the day that I will surpass you!!"

Two hours later to the cry of **"SURPRISE BUTTSEXX!!"** Rock Lee finally managed to achieve  
his life's dream of defeating Neji Hyuga.

The Taijutsu master managed to celebrate his victories with interpretive dance for several hours until both  
Naruto and Neji woke up and proceeded to send him to intensive care. But they couldn't remove the smile  
from the bushy eyebrow boy's face.

Naturally it didn't take Naruto long to figure out who was responsible for this.

"Of course you know, Sasuke. This means war."

And so the Great Konoha Prank War began....


	10. Chapter 10

**Live by the Omake, Die by the Omake  
or _Pwned in the End _  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**It's a trap.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Naruto Uzumaki 'Uchiha' was ready. The last of the night's work was done  
and all the preparations for his Grand Revenge were complete.

Come tomorrow, his nemesis was going to become Fate's little Bitch.

He laughed darkly, noting absently that this body really was well suited for it.

"Your ass is grass, Sasuke!"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Kakashi Hatake felt nothing but peace and brotherly love for his fellow citizens of Konoha this fine day.  
In his hand was the newest book of the Icha Icha saga, hot off the presses and signed by the author himself.  
The news had also come that the shooting for the Icha Icha movie was nearly finished, which was enough  
to bring tears to the uncovered eye of the Copycat Ninja.

Nothing could ruin this day, this hour, this moment-

Except for the large graffiti spray painted across the stone faces of the Hokage monument.

And it said....

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"**

His mind desperately tried to erase the knowledge of what he saw there, the horrible words that  
ate into his soul and stripped away all light and joy in the world.

His book dropped into the dust. What did it matter now? It was ruined, totally ruined for him now.  
What kind of sick monster would do something like this? Why would they want to take away the single  
great pleasure in a simple ninja's life? And most importantly of all, who was the soon to be buried rat  
bastard who had posted those spoilers to his Icha Icha out in public like that?!

He looked closer.

_**'Signed by NARUTO'**_

"..."

_Twitch. Twitch._

"Oh my god, did you see the paper this morning? They're cancelling the Icha Icha Movie!"

Kakashi suddenly turned to stone, unnoticed by the small crowd of men gathering around the nearby news stand.

"They're what?! But why?"

"According to this, the lead actress Princess Yukie is pregnant and has decided to elope with the father of her unborn child."

Gasps of shock and outrage.

"How scandalous! Do they have any clue as to who he might be?"

"Not really, only something about blonde hair and orange..."

The whitehaired ninja's world shattered into a million pieces.

Thrusting his hands up at the sky, Kakashi screamed at the heavens.

**"WHY MUST YOU TAKE AWAY ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE?!!"**

And then came the tipping point.

"What the hell are you doing, Kakashi-sensei?" The Jounin stiffened and then slowly turned to face the speaker. His vision began  
to dissolve into a haze of red as he beheld the puzzled visage of 'Naruto' Uzumaki.

"Naruto, it has been my pleasure to be your teacher and friend. But I'm afraid you have to die now."

"Is this another one of your weird jokes, Kakashi-sensei?"

The answer to the blond youth's query came in the _"chirp-chirp"_ of a Chidori powering up.

Confused though he might be, there was nothing wrong with Sasuke's sense of survival.

Upon seeing the psychotic bloodshot gleam in both of the masked ninja's now uncovered eyes, he turned and fled for his life.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Sasuke panted on his knees, trying to get his wind back after being chased over half the village  
by the demented Copy-Nin who'd been cackling madly about _**'Getting to the head of the class'**_ and  
_**'Dead ninjas spoil no tales'**_. He'd finally managed to lose Kakashi through judicious use  
of Shadow Clones and lots and lots of running madly for his life.

Somehow he knew this had to be Naruto's fault. It almost always was sooner or later.

_**"Dynamic Ass Whupping!!!"**_

Sasuke lept up as a large green blur exploded from above into the ground on which he'd just been occupying.

"What do you think you're doing Guy-"

The short orange jacketed ninja's jaw dropped open as the dust cleared and he finally got a good look at his latest attacker.

"What the hell happened to your eyebrows?!"

He couldn't believe it. The large bushy eyebrows that normally looked like fat furry parasites  
latched onto the tops of Might Guy's eyes were missing. They'd been completely shaved off.

And the resulting change to the spandex ninja's face was...was...

Sasuke tried hard to control himself. He would not laugh. He was the master of control. He would not-

"**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!** Oh it hurts, it hurts!! **AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**"

_**"Third Gate, RELEASE!!!"**_

"**AHAHAHAHAhaha..**_**haha**__...oh shit._"

Run Sasuke. Run.


	11. Chapter 11

**Live by the Omake, Pwned by the Omake  
Or _Because I hate you, I have more firepower then you do and no qualms about employing an orbital nuclear bombardment on your ass_  
by Shade**

Disclaimer: Naruto not mine, original non-yaoi body-switch story by Genericrandom.

**What is Seen can't be Unseen.**

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Tsunade stifled yet another heaving retch as she sat in her office, one hand clamped over her mouth  
as cold beads of sweat prickled her forehead. Just the smell of sake in her office was enough to make  
her ill now. The leader of the Leaf Village had been a healer for many years and a skilled kunoichi  
for just as long. It didn't take a great deal of effort on her part to figure out what was wrong.

Or who was responsible for doing this to her.

'_**"We can turn the illusion Jutsu into a real physical Jutsu,"**__ he said. __**"All we need is to add more chakra"**__, he said.  
__**"It's the best way to get it into you all at once,"**__ he said. That little conniving brat!!_'

Oh yes it had worked all right. She'd gotten a renewed body with all the beauty of her younger years.  
But she'd also forgotten the drawbacks of having a young woman's body. One now especially obvious in hindsight.

"I am going to so kill Naruto the next time I see him."

The door to her office was suddenly flung open with a loud crash.

"Tsunade-sama! You have to hide me!! They've all gone nuts!!"

Speak of the devil.

**"DIE NARUTO!!"**

***KER-POW***

"What did I doooooooooooooo?!"

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Awareness returned to Sasuke 'Uzumaki' all at once. He was being carried over the shoulder by someone.  
Whoever they were, they were strong enough that his dead weight didn't seem to hinder their movement at all.  
A familiar hint of perfume that smelled like spring cherry blossoms helped him to identify who was carrying him.

"Sakura?"

There were equal parts of fear and relief in his voice. The fear was from the fact that she was a sex-crazed violent deviant.  
The relief came from the knowledge that as his teammate, being with her raised his chances of not suffering a violent horrible death  
at the hands of the insane jounin after him by at least a factor of ten.

"Shhh, don't worry Sasuke. I'm taking you someplace safe."

Uzumaki's body relaxed ever so slightly. Though if Sasuke had been able to see the pink haired girl's face,  
he probably wouldn't have been so willing to believe he was finally getting out of the woods here.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Mistress, I have returned with him."

"What the?! **YOU!!**"

The blond haired whiskered face stared in total shock at the sight before him, completely failing  
to notice Sakura quietly locking the thick wooden doors behind him.

"Mmph!"

It was that Ino girl as he'd never seen her before. Sure he'd gotten glimpses of her naked form  
when she'd been screwing his busted up body with Naruto inside of it, but this was totally different.  
Here there were dark leather strips that didn't really seem to qualify as clothing or underwear.  
There was also the ball gag, the restraints and the wooden thing she was straddling. If that was supposed  
to be a table, it was a badly built one because instead of a flat surface, it came up as a kind of wide triangle  
that forced the moaning blonde to straddle it at what seemed to be a most uncomfortable angle.

Not that you could tell from the heavy aroma of Ino's essence dripping uncontrollably down the insides of her thighs  
all the way down to her hanging toes where they trickled drop by drop to the already stained wooden floor.

"Well done, Pet."

"Thank you, Mistress."

Sasuke gaped as his teammate pranced over to be patted on the head like a good dog by S&M Queen Hinata.

"Oh Fuck No."

That outfit had given him nightmares for weeks after what she'd done to them that time in the drying shed.

He was so out of here, better to take his chances with Kakashi and all of ANBU then-

But his legs wouldn't move.

He looked down.

"Son of a bitch!"

Those fucking syringes again!!!

"And now we shall begin the training of..._**Toy.**_"

_'Damn you Naruto! Damn you to Hell!!'_

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Naruto 'Uchiha' snickered to himself. There was nothing quite so lovely as a prank properly pulled off.

The bastard probably wouldn't be able to show his face in the village for at least a month without risking it  
getting chopped off by one of the many many people out looking for 'Naruto's' blood.

Now if he could just find where Sakura and Ino had disappeared to as of late....

"Hold, Sasuke!"

"You again!? Damnit, Lee you always have the worst timing."

Well,at least here was his chance to show the results of his long hard training to overcome the weakness  
of the Sharingan to Lee's 'baked potato' attack. And perhaps pounding on someone else who could take it  
was just the thing he needed to get the juices flowing before he found Sakura-

"Lee? What the hell are you wearing?"

This was the first time he'd ever seen the other boy wear anything other then his usual spandex.

But why wear a long raincoat outdoors when there wasn't a cloud in the sky?

The answer became all too horrifingly clear when Rock Lee whipped open the coat to reveal-

_**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"**_

Bright Neon Green Glow in the Dark Body Paint, which in a just merciful universe would never have applied to the areas that it was on now.

**"Behold! The Penis of **_**JUSTICE!!**_"


End file.
